Radiant Reiki and Aromatherapy by Tammy

Healing for the Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Levels of Life

Tammy Talks

An ongoing series of informative entries

A Day to Celebrate...

June 20th, 2020

Today we celebrate the beginning of summer in the Northern Hemisphere, we celebrate the longest day of the year; and, we just generally feel good about everything on a day like today.  There is so much to be grateful for today.  I am grateful to be alive in such a wonderful time in our history.

For many this is a scary time where racism "seems to be" in full force, where the governments of the world seem to be in chaos and fighting with one another and where a virus has everyone in fear.  For me and many others, we are aware that while things may seem like they are happening more it really is about things just being visible now that were here all along we just mostly had blinders on and were looking the other way....

Out of this chaos what I see is people waking up and standing up for each other - saying "no more - we are tired of you keeping our fellow human beings in fear". I see that supressed science is finally starting to flow through into the mainstream - Quantum physics specifically....that proves there is more to us than what was previously believed. We are more than slaves that have to work 24 - 7 to fuel an economy that only benefits the 1%. We are all related and we will no longer allow you to keep us separate by the colour of our skin, the people we choose to love or for any other reason! We no longer want to compete with each other and prefer cooperation  and community over competition and isolation.  There are many of us who are celebrating the changes that are coming....

I ask you to really look at what is going on now on our planet with an open mind and more importantly an open heart.....to really see the possibility of us living together in peace in a system that works for 100% of us and not 1% of us.  I want you to ask yourself what stands in your way of healing yourself so that you can help us heal this planet and everyone on it.  I want you to look at alternative news sources - news from people outside of conglomorate media corporations and of tv and internet news sources to get alternative perspectives from real and respected scientists and gurus. I want you to weigh the words coming from millions of sources outside of the mainstream media and against the scripted news we are getting from the CNN's and CBC;s etc to actually see what is happening now....open your eyes and realize that what we are seeing now are the things that governments and corporations of the world have been hiding from us....the racism, the sexual abuse, the control of the people that they want in order to gain more power and wealth with no concern for anyone else...Open your heart, your mind and your eyes and heal so that you can help everyone else heal and we can let go of this paradigm that really only a small percentage of this world is clinging to so they can control the rest of us.

We are at the cusp of something wonderful happening in this world. It has already begun. People are joining together - regardless of race, creed and colour - to stand up and tell others we no longer accept your divide and conquer way of living. We will not be catagorized and separated any longer. We want to work together to create a healthy environment for every single person on this planet to live in that includes love and respect for each other and for the planet we live on. 

Join me in celebrating the summer solstice today. Join me in knowing that we are evolving out of separation and into togetherness for the good of all.  Won't you join me?

Blessings to all,

NookaNoodinKwe/Gentle Wind Woman

The new adventures of Tammy on her healing journey...

June 8th, 2020

Welcome to June! We have so much to look forward to this month including the Summer Equinox! The weather has been beautiful which has been helping me to remain positive and look forward during this time on our planet.  Our planet and our humans are going through some big changes now.  Long hidden or ignored truths are beginning to be brought out into the public eye for all to see, acknowledged and healed  from.  It is easy to be sucked up into everyone else's emotions but it is more important to deal with your own feelings right now - as they come up - as the events happening are triggers for our collective.  Be strong on your healing journeys and reach out to others if you need help.

I have been blessed to have the opportunity to start learning my traditional Anishnaabe Grandmother teachings as well as being blessed to be invited to take part in the Truth and Reconciliation's Circles for Reconciliation.  Because I walk many roads as a Mixed Blood, Non -Status Indian I feel blessed to be sitting with brothers and sisters from both Indigenous and Non-Indigenous worlds to learn about the hurts and mistreatment of our Indigenous peoples and how I can be part of this reconciliation process.  I will also learn how to facilitate these circles and ultimately I will be paired with someone and we will facilitate these healing circles locally.  

Sitting in these teachings and in this healing circle on a cultural level has brought up many feelings for me to look at and release.  I have been dealing with a sense of loss of this part of myself and this part of my culture that I was denied because of colonialism.  I have also had the feeling of shame come up as it was my white ancestors that were part of the abuses of our indigenous people as well.  It has been quite the journey to see these emotions rise up in me.  The feelings come from the intergenerational trauma that I carry within me and that I need to heal for myself and for my ancestors.

Having said that, I recently had a realization and a message that it is not just my North American and South American indigenous ancestors that I carry these intergenerational traumas for: I have ancestry from all over this planet in my DNA.  We all do.  I happen to be one of the most mixed blooded persons that even my ancestry DNA PhD in my facebook DNA group has seen...and it is reflected in the amount of DNA cousins I have and is also reflected in soul memories. I was recently reminded that I must feel the feelings and do the work for all of my ancestors and not just my indigenous ancestors.  This makes complete sense to me.  Race supression and trauma has happened all over the world in different cultures for eons and we carry those memories with us.

I am here, in this lifetime, to heal myself on all levels and by healing on all levels I am helping my ancestors heal too - all of my ancestors.

I resonate with my Indigenous ancestry because of all the beautiful facets of this way of living - so natural and balanced....and I can heal ALL aspects of myself and my soul through learning my indigenous heritage and teachings.

Speaking up and Standing in My Truth

May 6th, 2020

I recently posted an opinion of mine about the Covid-19 virus that is controversial. Don't get me wrong, I believe that there is a virus going around that is making people very sick and people are dying from it. I respect the social distancing.  BUT, the other thing I believe is that there is a lot more to what is going on than what the general public is aware of.  

You don't have to believe this.  That is okay. I put my beliefs out there for all to see to show an alternative thinking process from what the Mainstream Media is showing us: Let us call it food for thought.

I have had others basically tell me that I don't know what I am talking about.  That is okay too.  What isn't okay is attacking me for my beliefs.  Or accusing me of not being smart or not understanding the science behind things.  This has happened to me and I want to talk about how I felt and what I had to get past to be okay with someone else's judgement.

First of all, I realized right then and there that this was not my issue. The statement that was made on my post had very little to do with me and had everything to do with that person. I kept telling myself that. The second thing that came up was really about the feelings that the comment triggered for me were feelings related to old wounds - feelings such as abandonment and rejection....Once I sat with just the feelings, they disappeared after awhile. The third thing that I was able to move past was the urge to delete my post.  After I allowed myself to get past my feelings I decided that I was not going to delete something that resonated with me.

This experience was an important lesson for me in standing in my own truths.  For much of my life I have lived to please others in order to gain acceptance because of fears of not being liked.  As I have healed those old wounds, I made a decision that I needed to work on being my authentic self. It doesn't mean I need to be all up in other people's faces about who I am; but, it does mean that I represent myself and those things I believe freely whether or not others believe them. I no longer have to buy into other people's opinions of me nor do I need to be afraid of rejection because someone does not agree with what I believe.  

My healing journey has made it possible to get to a point in my life where it is more important to me to live an authentic life than a life in the shadows.  

Peeling back another layer

May 02, 2020

This week has brought up some challenging days. With my work being 100% online right now my mind is free to be creative; but, it is also free to uncover more of those old emotions that were laying dormant inside myself and that need to be unpacked and let go of.  This week I had some old insecurity issues that came up which have not come up in over seven years.  The good thing is that the me seven years ago would not have been able to recognize where those feelings were really coming from and I certainly would not have been able to talk to my partner about them and recognized that my insecurities were 100% my own.

I was talking to my therapist about these insecurities coming up for me during the past week and that I was able to talk them out with my husband and he brought something up for me to consider. It was a statement about how as a child when things were going right in my world or for any milestone I went through - you know, the rights of passage such as my first period etc - that there was no recognition or celebration for crossing these important milestones that mark our lives as we grow up. He wanted me to think about how that impacted me then and if that was something I was carrying with me now that brought upon old insecurities coming up.   His statement was more specific than that but this was the general idea that he wanted me to consider.  

When he asked me to consider this aspect it resonated with me right away. Do not misunderstand me about my childhood. We all carry resentments from our childhood and it is our job to work through the ones that impact our grown up lives. For me this scenario of celebration and recognition as a child that I felt was missing has impacted my life in some ways.  I have recognized and let go of so much baggage that it always takes me a little by surprise when I revert to an old insecurity as it rarely happens now.  And I guess somehow all this progress I have made I may have felt went unrecognized by "others" because of this wound about my childhood.  As these feelings came up for me on a subconscious level, I acted out of insecurity.  Acting out towards my husband regarding this insecurity was really a form of self sabatoge and had absolutely nothing to do with him at all.  

Luckily when my husband and I talked it out I apologized to him and I acknowledged how my actions had made him feel. I also talked to him about this little discovery that I made during therapy and that I would be extremely mindful if I felt those old feelings coming up again.  In the past, I would have blamed him and been very stubborn about it and would have walked around like a wounded child for awhile. Furthermore, I would have been blind to what was really going on inside me.

Peeling back the layers never stops. I feel like I keep getting closer to who I really am underneath the layers of programming and buried feelings that had surrounded me for so long.  

The hard and sometimes very painful journey of letting go of all those things that no longer serve us (old feelings, emotions, the stories we tell about ourselves that define who we are) is a worthwhile journey. It is not for the faint of heart. Regardless of how hard it may seem, it is a journey that I highly recommend. It is the most freeing and life altering journey that I have been on and it is so rewarding. 

We are all exactly where we are supposed to be

April 16th, 2020

tonight a group of fellow Reiki practitioners and I gathered on Zoom to give each other Reiki. It was beautiful and it allowed all of us to clear energy such as some of our anxiety and fear that is hard to avoid in this world we live in right now.

At the beginning of the night we discussed how a lot of people are afraid and anxious out there in the world and how it is important for us not to judge what they are doing or going through.  If we look down upon others for experiencing exactly what they are going through what does that say about us? The thing, we as a group were in agreement about, is that we need to send that loving energy out into the world to help those who are struggling.

There is no us and them. We are all experiencing exactly what we need to be experiencing in every moment. All we can do is hold space and radiate our loving energy in hopes that it will help another person for their higher good! 

I have been on the judging end a few times during this quarantine out of disbelief at some of the things that I have witnessed - and I have to admit that my reaction to something else someone else did was not what was needed.  What was needed was compassion for the person that I was judging as opposed to the judgement itself.  I owned it and took note of being very careful not to judge other people's behaviour or post anything on my Facebook about what anyone else was doing.  I am not to judge. 

Now, I take time out to send love out into the universe in hopes that it will help all of humanity for our highest good. That is what the world needs now. 

Getting Through Times of Uncertainty

Mar 17th, 2020

With the CoVid-19 virus running amok in our beautiful world, I would like to share some things that are helping me stay positive during a situation that may seem dire. 

Regardless of what is going on in the outside world, I take the time to thank Creator for having food to eat, a home to live in, and internet and tv to stay connected to everyone. There are many people who do not have these things.

As someone with the ability to teach others healing techniques I have made my course work available for drastically reduced pricing or for barter and trade. 

I have offered to help my elderly neighbours during these times because we are all in this together. We need to help each other as much as we can to get through this.

I call my parents daily to make sure they are doing okay! It is important to stay in touch with family if you are able to!

I highly recommend meditation during this time or anything that will help you take your mind off of the news.

Spend time reading, watching movies, playing games and cards with your family and other things that make you happy.

What is Your Definition of Success & Happiness

Feb 27th, 2020

For the past couple of days I have been mulling over how success and happiness are defined by the majority and how it can mean different things to different people.

In my life, I was taught by "society" through what I was taught in school and what I saw on television and what I read about in newspapers is that success and happiness are determined by money and what I owned or had. I think that this was a common message for all of us born between WW2 and the 2000's. I was taught that I was to work hard and give every job my all. I was taught that shopping and buying things would help me feel better when I was down. And I was taught that without an education, a good paying job, and a bank account full of disposable income I was not a success.

I still see many people who subscribe to this belief system and by stating this fact I am in no way judging them. It is how they have designed their lives and if it works for them, all the more power to them. I also see many articles written, for the business world, about what it takes to be successful; and, when I see these articles my first thought is: Okay - but by who's standards are you measuring success?

In 2016, when my life basically fell apart I felt like an utter failure on so many levels. I had a good paying job in an academic setting that I was very good at until I wasn't. I felt that I should have been able to cope with the environment in which I was working more effectively. I felt embarrased that my mental health had taken such a turn in the face of trying to work while I was experiencing unresolved triggers and it just wasn't happening for me. I felt like my successes in life had been flushed down the toilet. I was subscribing to the meaning of success that I had grown up with and that "society" had been dictating to me through every means possible during my lifetime.

It took my world and belief system to come crashing down for me to really look at how I was going to heal and what my new definition of success was going to be. This was a very slow process.

The first week after the start of my long-term leave of absence from my job, success was leaving my house to go to see my family doctor and my psychiatrist. When my husband no longer had to take public transit with me to go to my appointments we measured this as another success. During the first six months of my healing journey, my successes were measured by the things that I could return to doing without having my husband near me for comfort and reassurance.

The next measure of success for me came approximately six months after my initial leave and that was in the decision I made to confront my workplace and stand up for myself. Just making that decision and proceeding with a legal action was a success for me. Agreeing to a settlement did not give me a feeling of success or of happiness. But, what it did was allow me to take an additional four months off so that I could continue to focus on healing myself and that, to me, was a success.

As you can see, during that time frame that I was fragile and the meaning of success had absolutely nothing to do with money or my career: my definition of success came from small wins in my journey back to a healthy mind and psyche.

I use my own life struggles as an example to show those who are struggling with mental health for whatever reason that it is a good idea to examine how you are measuring your feelings of happiness and success. Who's version of success have you subscribed to? Who's judgments are you buying into about whether or not you are a success?

Your definition of success does not have to be the same as anyone else's defintion of success. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a huge success when you have been unable to get out of bed for a week.

For an alcoholic who just quit drinking, sucess is initially defined by every minute that she/he does not drink. As the person becomes more confident, success may have to do with not drinking from a day to day basis. And even further into the alcoholics journey, success may turn into a measurement of learning new coping skills or another aspect of his or her healing journey and the amount of times they are able to use the new skills to cope with life as opposed to using alcohol as a coping mechanism.

The measure of success and happiness is a personal measure that should not be defined by any part of society outside of yourself. The measure of success and happiness is also adjustable due to your own life circumstances!

While it is good to do your job well and doing your job well can bring you happiness, your measure of success and happiness should not solely rely on the job that you do. Your measures of success and happiness should come from multiple sources in order for you to live in balance and be truly happy.

My challenge to you, if you have not thought about it, is to look at how and what determines your own happiness and feelings of being successful.

An Adventure in Cuba:My Tachiagima Reiki Mastership/Sensei Training

Feb 19th, 2020

I spent a wonderful week learning, transforming and growing in Holguin, Cuban with 5 other soul relations from Canada. We also shared a day with our Cuban Reiki family. I have to tell you that the homemade food we experienced was so much better than any of the food we experienced on our resort where we stayed. We could taste the love that went into this food.

When a group comes together there tends to be an abundance of learning from each other as well as from the Sensei as she shares and teaches. This was my experience. I learned so much from each person that was part of our group. I learned what it is to see others walk in humility. I learned how to detect my own denial when I did not want to confront a belief system and then recognized this response and was able to laugh at myself. This was an amazingly funny lesson that touched my heart. We shared some stories and teachings with one another. And, most importantly, we all learned those things we needed to learn to fully become Sensei's in the Tachiagima Reiki practice and in Axiatonal Alignment methods.

Our class was taught outdoors on a beach under a grandfather standing being who must have been at least 150 years old. We had Nibi (water) in front of us and we took breaks swimming in beautiful Nibi to cleanse ourselves and ask for anything that no longer serves us to be washed away and we gave thanks to her for all she gave us. We gave each other Reiki and practiced attuning each other with our many symbols. We learned axiatonal alignment which is a system to connect our meridian lines together. We practiced and helped one another remember until it became a part of us and from our hearts and not just our heads.

We shared meals together and enjoyed our down-time together. There were many personal stories and lots of sharing and laughing which bonded us together even more. What beautiful memories we created.

The most rewarding experience of the week for me was the day we ventured to a beach in the local town to meet our Cuban counterparts. Sensei Pamela had been working with this group in Cuba for almost 20 years. We came to give new practitioners and Sensei's their attunements and to give Reiki and get Reiki. We all brought gifts - some were items we new were harder to get in Cuba and some were gifts of the spirit. Our Cuban tribe prepared a wonderful Cuban soup and baked goods as well as sharing fresh bananas, papaya, guava from their own gardens and much more with us. This was truly a gift from their hearts.

This experience humbled me. At home I am so fortunate that I have a Reiki bed/Massage table (two actually), chairs, and even zero - gravity chairs that I can use to give others their Reiki treatments. In Cuba these items are almost unheard of. We used someone's kitchen chairs and a couple of tree stumps that we had towels and such for padding on. I kneeled in the sand to work on the hips, knees and feet. And it was amazing. Our Cuban family is not hung up on how or where treatments are given. The important thing for them is that a Reiki treatment can take place anywhere. The collective "we" could learn a lot from an experience such as this - as did I. While I enjoy treating my clients to all the luxury of essential oil scents that will help them relax and the use of crystals on their chakras to increase the energies that are flowing while they are receiving Reiki, I know that all of this is unnecessary when we get right down to the reason people seek Reiki treatments and the reasons we give Reiki treatments. The healing that is given is THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE of a Reiki session. Everything else is like putting icing on a cake!

Today, my second day at home from this adventure, I am reflecting on all these experiences and I am feeling joy, love, and happiness. I am feeling more hopeful. I came back feeling energized and ready to put these new teachings to work in order to help anyone seeking help on their healing journeys. I will be bringing this healing to any community who reaches out to me to help them help themselves. I will remain in touch with my group members for support and inspiration through their journeys in sharing Reiki healing and their own experiences. I have decided to take the word "Master" out of my title and replace it with Sensei. Sensei means teacher and that is what I am. I am not a Master as my learning is continuous. More importantly my "titles" do not define who I am and I need them less and less as I evolve more and more.

I have so much gratitude for this life - changing experience. I am grateful for each and every person and experience that crossed my path during my week of learning. I look forward to crossing the threshhold of the doors that have opened for me because of this experience. Miigwech to anyone reading my blog for allowing my words into your hearts and minds.

Exploring Guilt

Jan 21st, 2020

As I have been exploring the feelings that pop up as reactions to various situations/happenings in my life, I have recently realized how much guilt I carry around and how I feel guilty for things that I really have no reason to feel guilty for.

I am really glad this has come up. I have managed to work through a lot of the feelings and emotions that were right in my face and I can now work on letting go of some of those more subtle but persistent feelings that appear as automatic reactions to various situations.

Some of you will recognize what I am talking about if you have come from any kind of religious background or if you grew up with any kind of abuse. Some of you will recognize using situations to make others feel guilty too! I know I have done this before. I have used it with partners, at work, with friends and I am sure in other ways too. It sucks to admit that I have used guilt with significant people in my life. The thing is, I have to be honest with myself in order to let go of the behaviour. I steer clear of using it now and have for a long time now. For me, it is the feeling of guilt that pops up when I say no to a situation or person that I need to deal with.

Where does this persistent program in my brain, that seems to be stuck in a loop, come from? I know it is a learned behaviour. I recognize the parental influence in there somewhere; however, I don't believe that is the only reason I carry these feelings. As I ponder this I am coming to the conclusion that the feelings of guilt have ultimately come from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I know that I felt ashamed somehow after I came home from that fishing trip. I know that I felt like I was somehow the cause of what happened. I imagine that by feeling like I could not talk to anyone about this experience I internalized it and carried a sense of guilt about it that was always in the background. I will explore this train of thought further.

By becoming more of an observer to my feelings that pop up, through the practice of mindfulness, I have been increasingly able to recognize feelings as they pop up in any given situation. I will talk more about mindfulness in some other blogs. Being mindful is allowing me to explore the really deep seated feelings that pop up so that I can heal them.

By sharing this in my blog, I hope to be an encourager of others to be brave and open up to the possibility of healing those long held feelings that intrude on your happiness and make it harder for you to be the person you were meant to be.

Will you join in this journey of self - healing with me?

Culture as Part of the Healing Journey

Jan 25th, 2020

Throughout my entire life I have felt connected to my indigenous heritage. My ancestors are Metis (mixed) and were a huge part of the fur trade in North America on my father's side of the family. There are many of us out there and our last names are all the same, but different...Cadieu, Cadieux, Cadotte, Cadue, Caddeau, etc...We are all related. Some of my relatives are still tribal members, some are very active in Metis groups, some are more French and some are more like non-status Indians. (I can say that. You cannot). Our indigenous connections are both Haudensosaunee and Anishnaabe with Ojibwa, Chippewa, Kickapoo, Mohawk , Algonquin being some of the tribes that my cousins and I identify with. My immediate family also identifies with being Irish and French and we also have some Germanic roots as well.

My maternal Nokomis, "Grandma Johnson", was Anishnaabe, Irish and French a French Indian as you will, but we were not 100% sure of this until more and more records became searchable and I was able to uncover the paper trail and family history. Any trace of her nativeness like a birth certificate has "disappeared" or is hidden away. She came from the Ontario - Michigan border and even now, the Metis people in that area are dismissed as non - Metis and non-Indigenous. I won't get into the politics of that here; but, I will tell you that when I was finally able to "prove" her heritage and what I had always known in my heart, I didn't care who acknowledged it or didn't acknowledge it. I was finally able to say with 100% certainty what I knew in my heart was true.

Fast forward to the start of the deep work on myself that started in 2016 when I really started acknowledging my past and what I sometimes refer to metaphorically as my "Phoenix Rising" years which I include present day with and you will see how I have fully embraced the beautiful Anishnaabe Kwe that I am.

At first I suffered from "imposter syndrome". The Metis Grand Chief that I have said to me, "Tammy, be proud of who you are." You see, there are a lot of people out there who live in fear of not having enough or not being recognized for who they are and I can relate to that; but, when they would argue about who is Metis and who isn't I would argue back instead of just letting them be with their own beliefs. I was insecure in owning who I knew I was. My grandmother hid it. My auntie lied to me when I asked her where grandma was from. They were trying to protect me from the pain they had experienced. I know that now. I have to also acknowledge that my Analyst/Therapist also encouraged me to connect with my culture. He clearly understood the healing benefits of this connection.

An Elder spoke up to me and said, "Tammy, you need to find a grandmother who will teach you...". When I heard those words, I knew he was right. I put that thought out there and I slowly started immersing myself a little bit more into the actual communities and teachings that were being held. I had already been taking part in fundraising for the Water Walkers by donating items for auction and buying items from the auction. This is how I connected with so many people from my communities. This is where I first connected with my Sensei who is also a Grandmother. This is also where I have connected with some cousins who are out there on the front lines protecting our water and our land.

Every step of my journey has brought me more opportunity to learn about myself and my culture and brought me further healing opportunities. I was connected to a former Chief of a local indigenous group who welcomed my phone call. His advice to me was to get myself out there and to start attending the teachings on a regular basis. He told me that once the other people at the teachings started seeing me and recognizing me and once the Elders saw me and started recognising me that it would become more natural and comfortable for me to engage in community and community teachings. Sensei had also shared this with me.

Here I am now. I have participated in several local teachings. I have experienced an on - reserve gathering for clan teachings. I know my seven Grandfather teachings. And, in December 2019, I was invited and accepted into a group for some Grandmother teachings. For me, this was an amazing turn of events and I did not hesitate one second in accepting the offer of being part of this year long learning group. Next week, I am attending a two - day workshop on mental health and well being for the community at our local University. I don't think twice when I sign up for workshops and rsvp for teachings now.

Every piece of knowledge I learn and every cultural teaching I experience allows me to learn and integrate this part of me into my being. It is a healing process all on it's own as it is meant to be. I no longer have imposter syndrome when it comes to owning my indigenous heritage. I no longer feel the need to argue about who is and who isn't considered indigenous. I embrace getting to know who I am through this beautiful culture and the healing these teachings have allowed me to experience.

An aquaintance of mine on facebook always posts, "Culture Saves Lives." She talks about her own experience with this. I don't think I quite understood it until I started experiencing this myself. I get it now.

If you were to ask me what exactly it is about learning this part of my culture that brings me healing I would tell you that it is the sense of community that comes with the teachings. It is the gentle non - institutional way in which teachings happen. It is the reconnection to something that was denied to me because of intergenerational trauma. It is the sense that by learning and incorporating teachings into who I am as a person I help heal the wounds that my mother, grandmother, great - grandmother etc had and that they passed down the female family line: My healing is also their healing.

Our culture, whatever that may be, is an important part of who we are whether we acknowledge that or not. Our modern society has downplayed this part of who we are and has taken away a lot of our free time to be able to fully realize and participate in those cultural events that help us remain connected to community.

Culture truly does save lives by providing us with the connection to a group of people to lean on and learn from. The collective "WE" could heal so many things that people suffer from because of lack of connection if only this was recognized.

2020 - The Year We Heal Ourselves & Mother Earth

Jan 14th, 2020

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what it is that I would like to accomplish with my Reiki, Aromatherapy and Mindfulness sessions as well as through coaching and teaching over the next year - 2020. This year I will continue to help others help themselves on their healing journeys.

I am a firm believer that we are all connected and that the future of our planet and our species depends upon our ability to heal ourselves and recognize that our own healing heals all of the ancestral trauma that came before us and passes that healing on to the generations that will come after us. Self healing will enable us to help others heal and will also motivate us to help our planet heal from the abuse that the collective we have perpetrated against her in the name of the almighty dollar and capitalism.

It is my continued purpose to help others discover how they can heal themselves from their own traumas and patterns so that they in turn can heal the world we live in. I can and will provide the tools necessary for anyone who comes to me seeking assistance in letting go of all the pain and hurt they are carrying so that they can move into who they truly are and live more joyfully and purposefully as we are all meant to live this way.

This year, 2020, is a critical time for us - humanity - to take our world back from corporate conglomorates who continue to rape our earth and water at the detriment of the entire species we call human beings. And although this may seem like a daunting task, the most simple thing you can do, is to start healing yourself and changing your lifestyle to reflect love of self. Everything you do to heal yourself, will in turn help heal our world by sending more love out into our collective consciousness.

It starts with self - healing. Be brave and bold and take the necessary steps to start your healing journey for yourself and for our world.

On Letting Go of Guilt

Jan 5th, 2020

Today has been a low key day for me. I slept late. I had originally woken up around 7am but decided to go back to sleep. I ended up in a very long dream sleep that was filled with imagery and messages and my ancestors. That dream came with many messages for me. When I came out of that dream it was after 1030am! My first reaction was to feel guilty for sleeping in so late! I quickly dismissed that thought, but it is worth noting that this was my first reaction when I saw the time it was when I woke up.

At some point in my life I was led to believe (and many of you were too) that sleeping in was a sign of laziness and that I was not supposed to be lazy. When I believed this I would feel a sense of guilt for not getting up earlier.

I do not believe this now. I believe that my quick slip back into dream time was meant to be or I would have not fallen back to sleep so quickly. I also know that I am not depressed so I can discount this amount of sleep as a sign of depression. When I have been depressed in the past I would use sleep as an escape from the world and that is why I go through this quick check.

This is only one example of something that was taught to me that caused needless feelings of guilt. The collective "we" have been conditioned in many ways to feel guilty. Some of this has to do with capitalism and the message that we have grown up with that we must work, work, work to achieve...and we should not be allowed any time off. Some of this guilt has to do with religion and as a means of controlling the masses who should be obeying the "god" of their design. Some of it has to do with our government who basically represent the less than 1% who are part of the capitalist society in which we live. It is a cycle that needs to be broken.

I am currently looking at each instance that guilt becomes part of my day. I examine why I am feeling guilty. Who told me that whatever it was that happened was something I should feel guilty about. Did I do something mean or nasty to someone else? If yes, than I could understand the feeling of guilt: If not, then where did I learn to associate the behaviour with feeling guilty?

I am learning to break free from all damaging but learned behaviours that are a part of me as part of my healing journey. Being a survivor of abuse there are a lot of learned behaviours and reactions that I can now recognize and let go of and feeling guilty over something as simple as sleeping in is one of those unnecessary reasons to feel guilty!

I think that the exercise of looking at what behaviours or situations leave us feeling guilty could be beneficial for anyone. Try it, and let me know how it go

Learning How to Trust Self & Others...

January 02,2020

Welcome to 2020! I hope that all who read this blog have had ample time to celebrate that which they celebrate with family and/or friends. This year my sweety and I celebrated the Solstice and Christmas. We also enjoyed ringing in the New Year and the New Decade!

I have had a busy but enjoyable couple of weeks spending time with family and friends. I am grateful for every single person I have encountered in my past, in the present, and for those who I will meet in the future. I have set some intentions for this upcoming year and I am just excited to be here, on this earth, during this time of great change!

I have big plans for myself this year and I trust in the universe to help me explore the path that I am meant to explore! I want to talk a little about this concept of trusting that the universe has your back and trust in general.

If you have read my previous blogs, you will realize that trust is not something I have had a lot of experience with in my life. Through the release of my past and what lives there I have learned what it is to trust and I know that I have a choice every moment of the day to trust that I am exactly where I am to be and that nothing that happens is a mistake! If I haven't really understood "a lesson" or healed a wound from the past, you can bet that it is going to come up again and again until I heal it. This is the nature of how life is! Life is a classroom in which we are able to learn, change, grow and evolve if that is what we choose to do; and, you can bet this is what I now choose every single day.

Trust and I have come along way from the relationship we used to have. We were like oil and water when I was living in my wounds every day and was unable to see how my wounds were controlling me. Slowly, I gave trust another chance. It started with trusting that my sweety would love me at my lowest and my highest. And he does. From there, I had to let my therapist in and develop a trusting relationship with him. Soon after that, I had to relearn how to trust myself and the decisions I was making. That took some time and a lot of therapy sessions to get to that point. It still comes up for me from time to time. In fact, I had a lesson about trusting myself just this morning. Luckily I have an amazing Sensei who gently guided me back to myself to look at how I was not trusting myself to do something when I had more than enough tools in my bundle to do what I was seeking advice and help with. It was a good lesson and a good teaching moment to pass on to my students.

I understand what it is to not trust anyone, including myself. I understand how hard the battle is when you do decide to trust someone and then something they do triggers you and you close yourself off again. It is a horrible cycle to be living in. What I want to do is encourage anyone who is living in this cycle that there is hope. You ARE able to break this cycle and it doesn't have to be all at once. You can do this bit by bit, day by day, and even moment by moment. You can choose to trust yourself first, moment by moment, if that is what it takes to break this cycle.

I stumbled while re-learning how to trust myself and others and I still do from time to time and you will too. But stumbling is part of the learning process. It is okay to make mistakes and it is okay to stumble. The key is to recognize that stumbling is part of the journey and then to stand yourself back up, dust yourself off, and try again.

The other key thing to remember is not to be hard on yourself when you do have a set back, relapse, or have an error in judgement! You are human and as human beings we are designed to learn from our set backs. Set backs do not have to become a permanent part of what and who we are.

Once you are able to trust yourself, you can work on trusting that you are on the right path and that the Universe/Creator/God, or whatever name you assign to your higher power, is always there for you to tap into for reassurance about the journey you are on. We must learn how to quiet our doubts and ask for guidance. If you don't believe me, try it for yourself! And keep trying it until you feel the guidance that is always available to us. Take a leap of faith and trust yourself, your intuition, that inner voice....as that is the guidance that the Universe/Creator/God is providing for you.


Healing Over the Holidays

Dec 27th, 2019

I haven't posted for some time now. I have been allowing myself to experience some older feelings in order to let them go and to heal. I did not want that to take over the frequency of my Tammy Talks wit those emotions I was releasing so I abstained from posting until I felt guided to do so. I practice the things I share in writing.

By allowing myself to explore all of the feelings associated with my past, to understand how my little girl felt, and to finally release these emotions has not been easy work but it has been necessary to become who I am supposed to be.

There are a couple of things that I have noticed going on in the world today that reflect the things that really need to heal in society that I would like to talk about.

Today, I woke up to the sad news that a Sister, Kelly Fraser, Innu Singer had died. She posted on her facebook page on December 15th that "if you didn't like what she was doing to unfriend her as she wanted only supportive people in her tribe." She died on Christmas Day.

The fact that so many people experience trolling and bullying in person, on line and in all avenues of life is a symptom of a very sick society. Where are people learning that this behaviour is acceptable?

I would like to encourage everyone to rise up against this behaviour in a manner that does not support this behaviour. I want to encourage others who are healing to set an example for others by acting out of love and not fear.

The one thing I have realized that I am working on changing about myself is this: I do not need to react with judgement or anger when I experience bullying, hate, and judgement from others. I can choose to react from love instead of fear. To react out of love doesn't mean I have to tolerate being treated poorly. I can stand up for myself without being judgemental or angry. The reason I am able to do this is because of the things I have healed. Unfortunately those who have not healed from their traumas internalize the comments and criticism and some end up dead.

It is imperative that we encourage all others to engage in their healing journey. We need to encourage one another to treat each other with respect and love even when we disagree or come from different beliefs.

We are on our collective healing journey. Be the reason that someone decides it is time for them to do the work and start on their own journey so that they can evolve out of fear and into love.

On Being Hyper-Sensitive & an Intuitive Empath

Dec 15th, 2019

I have always been able to sense other people's energy and their general mood or feelings that they were experiencing. I can read body language fairly accurately as well. These abilities are truly gifts. I was discussing this in therapy a couple of years ago and it was determined that it made sense I would have these gifts as I always had to be aware of the parental units and my perception of their moods so I knew how to respond according to the mood of the house. On top of that, the childhood traumas that I did experience totally twisted my ability into this unwanted super - power of being "Uber-Aware" of other people at all times so I could adequately respond in a way that I would be liked or that I could "turn - tail and run" if what I was experiencing was too much for me and threatened me in some way by bumping into my triggers.

How I have stumbled onto this topic and some insights that have come up from it is through writing this blog and from therapy. Also, a couple of days ago, I watched a movie on Gaia Television called "Sensitive: The Untold Story" with Alanis Morissette and I really recognized myself from what was discussed in this movie.

In the movie, Alanis discusses reading the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person", by Elaine Aron. I haven't read the book but some of the things that Alanis and Elaine were discussing had to do with how Highly Sensitive People are extremely talented but have a hard time dealing with the world around them in some aspects. It also deals with how society dismisses highly sensitive people as overly sensitive and emotional or unable to cope with the working environment instead of embracing their uniqueness and their abilities of intuition along with the skills they do excel at which include empathy and customer service. We excel at providing excellent customer service and expect others to do the same. Many of us are also gifted artists, song writers, entertainers and writers. We are creative people.

I have been dealing with how sensitive I am and in acknowledging my uncanny ability to read others. Not only that, I have learned to pay very close attention to what I am picking up on and not to dismiss it or second guess it.

I have learned that I do not work well in political situations that involve no one ever wanting to admit when they have made a mistake, especially management and those in charge. To this day, I remain sickened about being "gas-lighted" by a former corporate (meaning larger) employer and some other people I was responsible to. If I had have listened to my intuition and had have had the ability to deal with what I was intuiting in an effective manner instead of letting it be the reason I was spiralling into a depression things would have turned out differently for me. The fact remains that is not where I was at that point and it was taken advantage of.

The most important thing I have learned about myself and my gifts is that I can choose where I work, who I work with (not for), and that I have a lot of amazing talents to offer to anyone. If you want to employ me for my talents and how they can assist you it will be based on what is mutually beneficial and not how you can exploit me. I guess I won't be working for any large corporations or in any highly political environments. I have no tolerance left for companies who feel that you owe them your life because they hired you. My last part time job that I recently quit had this attitude. You were expected to be available to be called in on your days off and if you said no it was held against you. This was a part time job paying low wages. No one should have to work under these conditions. I have no tolerance for being yelled at, accused of things that aren't true or of being treated poorly by coworkers and managers because of legitimate sick leaves. No one should have to work in these conditions. I won't. Many people I know who have been through similar things will no longer. The new worker bees and fresh graduates are also weary of unhealthy working conditions. Many would prefer to work for themselves.

I am finally discovering who I am and that includes the fact that I am highly sensitive. I am learning that I have control over how I want to be treated and that I am able to stand up for myself when something is seriously wrong. It takes me a little longer to reflect on things before I decide whether I need to stand up for myself but the good news is that I stand up for myself when it is necessary. I don't have to put up with truly bad situations (meaning the situation is more than me reacting from a trigger). I am also learning how to distance myself from other people's stuff and not taking it on myself. Being able to discern other people's shit from my own has been one of the greatest gifts from working hard in my therapy. Thank you therapy!

This has been what it has been like for me to be a highly sensitive person who is an intuitive empath. I can use my skills to help others help themselves. I no longer take on other people's feelings; and, I can stand up for myself when others are taking advantage of me or truly treating me poorly.

Running Away

Dec 14th, 2019

I spent a good portion of my life running away from myself. I think a lot of people do when it comes to the hard to deal with things that happen in life. It was much easier for me to ignore and stuff down anything that was painful for me than to look at it or talk about it. In all honesty I didn't know how to talk about it

This started when I was in grade nine. I am a November baby so I was thirteen years old when I started the school year. I am sure that my hormones and my body were changing at this age. That circumstance, combined with the uncertainty of the change from public school to high school and a lot of repressed feelings and emotions from being sexually abused, created the perfect storm for me to drift from being a straight A student in grade eight to a scared and introverted young teenager who rebelled against everything. At least when I look back at it that is how I see it. This was the start of the running away from myself.

Between the latter half of grade nine and the end of grade ten I actually did run away from home several times. The first time I ran away from home I went with two friends and I was gone for two weeks. The only reason I returned home was because my friends and I were reported to the police. We had been living with some people we randomly met and someone reported us as being run aways. The police showed up to take us home.

The second time I ran away I went with a girlfriend. That lasted about two weeks as well. I consider myself very lucky to have made it home that time as my friend and I ended up staying with this man who kept asking me if I liked nice clothes and shoes. I didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that this man was going to try to put me out on the streets as a prostitute. I left that place when I thought it was safe to leave and went to one of the houses of a friend I had met the first time I ran away. A couple of days later we had gone to a party and someone had offered me a pill to take. I woke up the next morning with no one around and without any clothes on. I was alone and I was scared. I called my parents to come get me.

That was the last time I ran away from home. I was done acting out for reasons that were beyond my cognition at that time. Moving forward the only running I did was away from my own emotions.

As I unpacked these stories in therapy I cried. I cried because the things that caused younger me to actually run away from home had not been resolved in my life. I wish I had cried sooner in my life.

It is so important to unpack old wounds and let the emotions out. We have to heal those things that were traumatic to us or they will resurface in ways we may not recognize. And then something happens in our daily life that bumps into the wound of that trauma and we act out. For me, I would run away.

Reiki as a Tool for Healing

Dec 9th, 2019

I want to talk about how Reiki has helped me on my healing journey in each level of healing - mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Everyone one of us is made up of four areas of life: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. My indigenous relations have taught me that this is what they call the medicine wheel of life and how important it is that we work at a balance of all areas of our life. Workplace wellness programs preach that we should have goals in each area of our life to remain balanced.

It is true all areas of our life are interweaved with each other and that when we favour or are stuck in one area of life and ignore the other areas of life, we suffer. When we experience trauma we tend to get stuck in the emotional or run and hide in the mental. Both behaviours create an imbalance if we stay focused on either and ignore the other areas.

To give an example of how Reiki helps me heal and then remain balanced within my life I want to refer back to my previous blog where I explain that by writing about my healing journey I expose areas in which I still need to heal. I specifically stated that I had some hurt and some anger coming up from a previous work situation.

Reiki energy is universal, spiritual energy that I tap into and channel. When I give myself Reiki it helps clear my own energy system (the chakras within my body) from any thoughts and emotions that have been stirred up and need to be released. It helps remove the effects that those previously stuffed down emotions were having on my physical body. Mentally, my mind gets the chance to stop thinking and just experience this natural energy flowing through me allowing me to experience a sense of peace and stress relief. And, it helps me on the spiritual level because I am experiencing this natural spiritual energy that tunes me into the universal consciousness of love. The total effect of giving myself Reiki or receiving Reiki from another practitioner is a huge release of any emotions, thoughts, and feelings which frees up my body and mind to become more balanced.

Dealing with our traumas and changing our ways of thinking to become healthier is a process akin to peeling an onion. As we release one layer of thoughts, feelings and emotions we open a new layer of thoughts, feelings and emotions that were buried within us so that we can examine them and release the ones that are no longer viable and are simply standing in our way. I use Reiki for myself and on my clients to help cleanse both the day to day thoughts, feelings and emotions that bog us down as well as those deep seated thoughts, feelings and emotions that get stirred up while on our healing journey.

Reiki is akin to being the cosmic broom that cleans our body and soul from all the negativity that comes from not only our own stinking thinking but from all the negativity that other people release and that we intermingle with. You can also compare it to a cosmic shower of energy that cleanses our physical and light body.

For me and my personal healing journey, the combination of Psychoanalysis, Reiki, and Mindfulness meditation has provided me with the ability to release a great deal of my childhood trauma which in turn has allowed me to let go of a lot of skewed thinking and logic that my childhood self created out of a need for self protection.

Reiki is an invaluable tool for anyone who is on their healing journey. ANYONE can use this tool. As a Reiki Master Practitioner my key role in teaching Reiki is simply to tune you in and turn the key that allows you to access this energy for yourself. I also show you how to use it. That is it. Reiki is simple and very effective at helping you unpack, look at, and release what no longer serves your best interest so that you can move on in your journey. The side effects are not only stress relief and relaxation, but also includes building a stronger sense of self and self - love.

If you would like more information please call me or email me and I would be happy to discuss Reiki in greater detail with you.

Dealing With That Which Has Surfaced While Writing....

Dec 4th, 2019

With each of my blog posts I take a lot of time and effort in ensuring that I do not wander off on a tangent of emotion as I am writing.

You see, the blog you read is not my first draft. My first draft normally ends up containing a release of emotions that I still associate with the things I am writing about! While this is an amazing benefit of the writing process in terms of release as well as providing me with a lot to discuss in therapy (inserting a laugh out loud here), those bursts of painful emotions are erased when I edit. While I have a story to tell you the reader in hopes of providing inspiration, support, encouragement or the feeling that you are not alone, I can get my message across without including those releases in my writing. I highly recommend writing as a tool to release your emotions, dear reader. Write about your feelings for release. Write about your traumas for the sake of releasing the feelings you have that are associated with them. Take it one step further and destroy that which you wrote in a ceremony of release! Releasing pent up and stuffed down emotions is a huge factor in all healing journeys.

What I do want to share in today's blog is what writing my blog posts has brought about for me to look at and to share. I had a huge eye opening realization two days ago about how much hurt and anger I still carried for being mistreated and falsely accused of certain things in my past. This pertains to a work situation and I would like to talk about how unhealthy 99% of our large corporations are for the average employee.

Big changes need to happen in the human resources departments in corporate Canada and corporations all over the world in regards to how an employee who is experiencing mental illness is treated. It is time for work places to stop putting the politics of the workplace ahead of their employee's well being. Having had personal experience with this particular situation I only represent one person amongst a miriad of people who have experienced the "Politics before People" game that most large institutions play but will never admit to. I know that I am not the only casualty of this game. I have talked with people from all walks of life who have left jobs that they once loved after a downward spiral or bout of depression that was triggered from a workplace that put politics ahead of people and who preferred to look the other way as one of their formerly productive employees experienced signs of mental illness.

I asked some of the people I had talked to whether or not their manager or HR had reached out to them when they started to exhibit signs of depression or mental health stress and the most common answer I received was "no".

This subject came up for me as a result of writing my blogs because I have residual emotions that I have a further need to release surrounding the fact that I was accused of payroll fraud after taking two weeks off from a job due to mental illness. I had returned from work after a two week absence due to depression and was called into a meeting with my manager and HR only to be accused of payroll fraud because I dared to go out of my house with my husband and two of our dearest friends. We had purchased concert tickets for two events long before my depression started and my husband had to talk me into still going. A coworker saw this and reported it and as you can imagine it was escalated to my manager.

Upon my return to work I was called to a meeting with my manager and a representative from Human Resources. When I was asked about this situation they treated me like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I had no reason to hide the fact that I had left my house while I was on my sick leave. I was treated like a criminal. I was yelled at and I was made to sign an attendance agreement. (Both things were denied when I hired a lawyer, by the way). I had already reached a point of depression I had never before experienced and I wasn't about to stay in the workplace to experience more abuse. I hightaled it to my doctor, picked up some clonazepam and another prescription to help in the short term. He wrote me a note to my workplace stating I needed an unspecified amount of time off of work and that he would see me in two weeks. From there I went home and I picked up the phone and called my therapist. This particular moment in time was the catalyst for me to dig deeper into therapy to look at my past trauma so I could see how I had ended up experiencing the moment in time where I could no longer function. I was a mess. My husband had to take the day off of work to escort me to my therapists office because I didn't want to leave the house. I was a broken woman. I hadn't realized how much hurt and anger I was still carrying from this situation until two days ago.

I am not sharing this experience with you so that you will feel sorry for me nor do I share this experience as some sort of confession. I quite honestly do not care about how this will be perceived by those who choose to judge. I share this because what happened to me has happened to countless people from countless organizations in one form or another. This should not ever happen in a work place. I have spent a lot of time healing and letting go of all those things that no longer serve me and I can tell you that part of my journey on this earth is to help others who have had significant trauma release and let go of whatever stands in their way of being a happy and healthy human being and that includes standing up for themselves in the workplace.

Corporate greed and outdated work practices in dealing with employees who experience mental illness needs to change. I laugh when I see all of the campaigns about combating mental illness and I see all this money raised for research into mental illness and then I experience the lack of change in huge corporations who otherwise advertise how well they treat their employees. There is a disconnect from knowing what needs to be done to better support people with mental illness and actually doing it!

I encourage anyone who experiences discrimination or mistreatment in their work place due to mental illness to stand up for themselves and not to be afraid to address it. Corporations and Insurance companies are the biggest offenders when it comes to bullying those who suffer from mental illness in the workplace.

Not only is my purpose in this lifetime to provide various tools to help others help themselves so that they can live a happier life I am here to stand up and say enough is enough to the mistreatment of any person who experiences discrimination within their workplace while dealing with mental illness or bullying for coming forward about mental illness.

As you can see that although I have been doing the work for a long time now, there is still more that I need to work on. By the way, as I was editing this blog I removed about four accounts of the "F" word and some rambling on of emotions....lol.

My name is NookaNoodinKwe and I am a Warrior Kwe. I am here to help others help themselves. I am here to stand up against bullying and other forms of abuse against employees in the workplace. I am here to be an example of the change we need to see in the world so that everyone is loved and respected.

How the Healing Journey is a Continuous Journey

Dec 2nd, 2019

There is something that came to me in my dreams early this morning that I want to share as an add on to my last blog post. I want to discuss the Healing Journey. I want to talk about the fact that the Healing Journey is a continuous cycle.

I mentioned how my life has changed significantly from the time between now and mid 2016. This is true. What I haven't mentioned is that although I have cleared a lot of old emotions and negative patterns as well as the faulty coping mechanisms I designed at a much younger age I still have normal, every day things that come up and I still have triggers but on a much smaller scale.

We do not stop growing and changing if that is what we choose. If I one day decided that I had it all figured out and that I was cured of all unhealthy reactions I would be lying to myself and to you. Healthy change and recovery takes time.

I have tools that I use daily that help me to continue to evolve. I have a therapist that I see regularly. I give myself Reiki daily. I have my own Sensei that I can talk to any time I need to and who helps me grow. I meditate and use mindfulness every single day. And, the most important thing is that I deal with the issues as they come up. I find ways to talk about my emotions if I need to. I am up front and honest with myself about how I am doing and if I need down time to figure things out I take it. I focus on solutions that work for me and not against me.

A lot has changed for me since my downward spiral. I moved back to my hometown because my husband and I have aging parents that we would like to be closer to in case we need to step into the caregiver role. This also played a major part in healing my childhood emotions.

I am a fully certified Reiki Master and Practitioner of Usui Holy Fire III Reiki and I am a certified Reiki Practitioner of Tachiagima Reiki. I am taking my Mastership for Tachiagima in February 2020. I spent two years studying Aromatherapy and wrote my certification exams - all six hours of them and took a hands on exam for aroma - massage - and received my accreditation as a Certified Clinical Aromatherapist who is registerd with the Canadian Federation of Aromatherapy.

I am gearing towards becoming a Life Coach and Mindfulness instructor. I want to help others help themselves.

I have fully embraced my native heritage which I always knew I had on my dad's side but which was hidden from us on my mother's side. My grandmother did not talk about being native and did not practice her culture. She was a very sick woman who was an alcoholic and had early onset Alzheimer's disease. I think the alcohol played a big part in that.

As you can see, my Healing Journey has included many positive things on top of the actual healing work. It has also given me the opportunity to face similar triggers and to actually deal with them in a more effective manner. I recently quit a part time job because I could not work in that specific working environment. This situation was full of triggers for me; however, it also provided me an opportunity to work past some of my triggers and to stand up for myself. How cool is that! I did not slip into a depression. I did not blame myself for other people's behaviour. I left a situation that was negatively impacting my life without looking back with regret. I remembered my boundaries. I had to work through it in my head before I gave my notice and I did!

A Healing Journey is just that: it is a journey. You don't wake up one day magically cured from all the trauma that has shaped you and anything that has an impact on your own behaviour and how you view yourself and others. It requires a lot of patience with yourself. It requires the ability to look at yourself honestly as it is sometimes hard to see yourself engaging in self - sabotoging behaviour. It requires the ability to forgive yourself and to forgive others. It takes time.

My wish for every person on this earth is the ability of insight and the ability to embark on his or her own healing journey.

The Things I Have Struggled With Being a Sexual Abuse Survivor

Dec 1st, 2019

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Low Self - Esteem. Trust Issues with both Men and Women. Negativity. Self Deprication. Feelings of Guilt. The Inability to Problem Solve. People Pleasing because of a Constant Need to Be Accepted and Appreciated. And on, and on, and on.....

When I had that "downward spiral" I have talked about in previous blogs I want to actually put it into terms that we no longer use because of political correctness: I had a mental breakdown due to repeated triggers in the workplace that I did not know how to resolve when it happened. I had a mental breakdown. It took me a long time to face this.

I want to spend time to talk about the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that I experienced, put myself through or carried and acted out from over the course of my life due to triggers and childhood survival patterns.

When I look back at my self from the time I was 18 years old onward, I can clearly see the effect that experiencing sexual abuse had on me. I can see the scared but tough exterior I built around myself in my younger years. I can see the bad choices I made in men. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any partner choices as they were all learning experiences, but I now see why I chose those people to be in my life and what those experiences taught me.

I see where the insatiable need to be praised and appreciated came from and how that was such a huge downfall for me because my self esteem depended on external validation and faulty perceptions. How I saw others came through the filter of a scared and hurt little girl. I was so intune with the energy around me that I could not distinguish where someone's energy ended and mine started so I would take on other people's emotions when realistically they had absolutely nothing to do with me. I will discuss this more when I talk about empathy and being empathic later. As much as my logic would kick in and I would tell myself that what I was experiencing had nothing to do with me, I would slip into this learned behaviour of taking on everyone else's emotions.

I never learned how to trust anyone or anything. I was abused by a friend of the family. I distrusted and was angry with my parents because they should have known not to let me go fishing with that family friend. I now know that they had no way of knowing this but in my mind, I held those thoughts on a very subconscious level for fifty years. For fifty years I struggled with trust issues. It was a horrible battle when I was younger, less severe as I got older and started understanding myself and working on myself, and horrible again when a person or situation, or both, triggered me. When I became triggered from any kind of "trust issue" that someone had with me or I with them, the spiral into depression would start. Remember, I didn't learn how to deal with these complex emotions as a child or as I was growing up so instead of dealing with the person or situation I would internalize all related emotions that came up because that is how I dealt with my childhood trauma. This continued until I had my breakdown. This downward spiral was a PTSD - like response from what I now understand. I had PTSD from childhood emotional and physical trauma. It took me forty seven years to understand this.

I was in a continuous cycle of trigger and response. Trigger and response. Trigger and response.

The most significant pattern that developed out of the childhood trauma I experienced and that came from not knowing how to problem solve in any relationship was that I would cut others completely out of my life when they did anything or said anything that I could not cope with. I deemed the relationship to be over. I didn't know how to talk things through. I didn't know how to function within a friendship when there were disagreements. I hated conflict and it made me feel uncomfortable and horrible. It was much easier to run away from any conflicts than to effectively deal with them and so that is exactly what I would do.

When I look at the way I used to live my life I honestly don't know how I survived. I was fortunate enough to have realized at an early age that I had "issues" that I needed to deal with. I read self help books and I took some courses and programs here and there along the way. I unravelled some of the basic behavioural patterns I had developed early on. The problem was that although I recognized my emotional challenges and was working on them at a certain level I wasn't getting to the root of the problems that kept coming up for me in various ways. The books and the courses helped me greatly along my journey but just didn't go deep enough to help me look at what was really causing me to react to certain triggers.

I am happy to tell you that life is no longer this way for me. I had the courage to go back to those events in my life that caused me such pain as child. I had to reexperience the feelings that I had stuffed down as a child in order to let them go. I had to look at the protection mechanisms I put in place for myself as a child and that I had been using up until that point that just didn't work for me anymore in order to let them go. I had to start growing again emotionally, mentally and spiritually in order to start experience life in a healthy manner. I created boundaries about how I was to be treated by others. I now know what I will and I what I won't accept into my life and I do not waiver at sticking to those boundaries.

There is hope and it is possible to let go of those things from your past that cause you such pain. I know this because I did this and everyone is capable of doing the same thing.

How I Start My Day and Why It Is Important

Nov 18th, 2019

here are a lot of articles on the interweb about morning routines and how they can make you have a more productive day. I have read some of these articles to see if there was anything that I could apply to my own life that would help me have a great day!

The thing is, although productivity is what your work environment is looking for, that is not the first marker I use to decide whether I had a good day or not. Furthermore, every day is a good day when I wake up on this side of the grass.

My question to society and in hopes of changing some norms I challenge the notion that we are merely worker bees and that the only important thing in our life is how much work we accomplish. Where did the time to ponder and think go? Where did the time we used to allow ourselves to have to be creative go? Where is the time we should be taking for self care go? To me, these factors are much more important than just getting up and doing those things that will make us more productive.

My morning routine is fairly simple and it helps me to remain a loving and centered being who is grateful to be here on this earth and who treats others with care and compassion whether it is at work, at home, at the grocery store or wherever my adventures take me including fulfilling my responsibilites in both my personal and professional lives. It helps me realize that the negative behaviours that others may engage in rarely have anything to do with me directly and are more about where they are at that day.

When I open my eyes upon awakening each morning I fairly consistently think about those things in my life that I am grateful for. This could be people or situations or something as simple as I woke up and I am alive! I try to think of ten things to be grateful for. I give myself Reiki which helps me clear any energy blocks in my chakra and meridian systems that may have come up from thoughts, emotions or other day to day situations. These rituals help me get up with positivity in my brain instead of the "dread" of facing another work day which we hear so many people complain about regularly.

If you are skeptical about the effect of these simple rituals (you don't have to give yourself Reiki if you have not taken Reiki classes) I challenge you to try doing this for 21 days and see if it makes a difference in your life.

Being in a state of gratitude is not always an easy thing to acheive but it does get easier the more you practice it! Your attitude about the day ahead of you, about yourself and about work and personal life will start to change and you will feel better about your feet hitting that floor every morning. You will feel more motivated to face your day head on and with positivity.

Please feel free to try it and leave a comment about your results. I would love to hear about your experiences whether positive, neutral or negative.



The Role of Trust as a Trigger in My Life

Nov 15th, 2019

his morning I have had the pleasure of some old feelings arise that surround an employment situation from the past and the concept of TRUST.

I faced a situation in which the people I worked for stopped trusting me. Instead of sitting me down and discussing what lead up to this breakdown of trust, this situation was handled in a rather inappropriate fashion.

What my employers failed to realize is that they had fully participated in what lead up to this breakdown. They had done many things to ensure that I had stopped trusting them long before I started acting out about it. Their behaviour had broken my trust which tapped into a trigger surrounding trust that I was not equipped to deal with at that time.

TRUST/MISTRUST was and still is a trigger for me that stemmed from childhood abuse. Anybody who is dealing with the after effects of any type of abuse will recognize what I am talking about. What I now acknowledge and recognize is that when these old feelings come up like they have this morning, there is something going on in my life that I need to look at that has to do with whether I trust a situation, or myself, and the need to take action in one form or another. Sometimes I understand what has happened immediately and sometimes it takes me awhile and some unsorting to figure it out.

I am proud of myself for the fact that the TRUST/MISTRUST trigger no longer affects me the way it once did. I do not give it the same power I used to. I have the knowledge and skills to look at why I am being triggered. I now can make decisions on facts and not the trigger itself. How freeing is that?!?

When I have thoughts or feelings that come up randomly about a past situation that I have already worked through, I stop myself and ask myself if the feelings I am feeling are from today or from the past. If the feelings are from the past I ask myself what those feelings are trying to tell me about now/today/the present. By asking myself these questions I can step out of the past and look at what is really going on AND I now have the power to deal with today and perhaps to heal a little bit more of the past through dealing with today.

It is not an easy road to delve into one's triggers and trace them back to their origin in order to deal with those feelings that surrounded the initial traumatic event that created the trigger as a self - protection reaction. It is not for the faint of heart. Should you be at the point where you are ready to dig in and get to the bottom of your triggers ensure you have the appropriate supports in place. I personally think a good therapist and supportive friends are a great place to start. I highly recommend the use of some natural therapies such as reflexology, reiki, energy work etc that help release those stored up emotions from your physicial body as our emotions are what cause many physical ailments as well. Quantum physics has made great strides in proving the link between our mind and body and how important it is for us to release our emotions and deal with our shit.

The most important advice I had used for myself and highly recommend for others if TRUST/MISTRUST is the trigger you are dealing with is to go easy on yourself. Your healing journey is not a race. As you feel ready to deal with things, they will naturally come up. Do not beat yourself up for repeating lessons or for being triggered by the same things. As you grow you will deal with these things differently.

A Little Bit on Triggers

Nov 10th, 2019

I AM blessed.

I AM VERY BLESSED to have recently had a conversation with my son about triggers. He has started his healing journey and has been looking at his own triggers.

I found this out in a recent conversation with him when I asked him if he had discovered what his trigger was for a recent reaction he had in a personal situation. He pleasantly surprised me by telling me he had been thinking about this and named three different things that he thinks triggered him into a depressive episode. I had a proud mama moment right there. My son might be struggling but the little bit of therapy he has had has provided him with a jump off point to start working on his traumas.

Triggers. We all have them. I have been actively working on mine for a long time now. In fact, one of the hardest things I have had to do is to go back and look at a downward spiral and decipher exactly what behaviour by another individual tapped into a past trauma causing a PTSD - like reaction from me.

It has taken a lot of work to get underneath those traumas and sort out the feelings, feel them and let them go! The next step after doing this is to forgive those who triggered us! That is a work in progress. Choosing love over fear and choosing to be responsible for my own reactions and not to blame those who bumped into my trauma for my reaction has been an integral part of my healing journey and one of the most liberating things I have ever done.

Triggers suck BUT at the same time are a blessing in disguise once one starts on his or her healing journey because triggers lead to exploration of feelings which in turn leads to looking at those difficult childhood memories that created our ability to deal with life. Letting go of old feelings and healing from the past is the key to being able to heal and to grow and to evolve.

My questions to all: are you ready to do the hard work? Are you ready to be honest with yourself? Are you ready to dive in and heal yourself?

On Letting Go of Labels

Nov 7th, 2019

For the longest time in my life I labelled myself as a sexual abuse survivor, as a rebel, as a victim of my poor choices of the men I had chosen in my life and as a single mother.

When I started to really look at the labels I had given myself I realized that these labels were enabling me to play a part in this world and the part I was playing was that of a victim of circumstance.

Yes. All of the things I described myself as were things that were facts BUT they were also traps that helped me stay stuck in my own story. Those labels kept me from really looking at those past events and letting go of the emotions that were attached to each event and that kept me from growing into my own power and continuing my healing journey to the best me that I knew that I could be.

When I really examined the words I used to describe myself I could see the negativity that those words reflected and I knew that I needed to stop using them to describe who I was. I also knew I had to engage in doing the hard work of getting to the root emotions behind these self descriptions and start unpacking the feelings surrounding the events in order to let them go.

I have stopped describing myself using negative words that denote points in my past. I have used psychoanalysis, Reiki, aromatherapy, and many more tools to dig deep and stare my dark wolf in the eyes, acknowledge the feelings surrounding the events in my life, and started letting that SHIT go! I am and will never ever be a VICTIM of my past again. I am learning forgiveness. I have learned boundaries. I have learned trust. I have shedded negativity and surrounded myself with people who are on the same enlightening journey as I am. My tribe and I are strong warrior kwe on our healing journeys.

As you can see from my last post, some days are not easy as things come up. The difference now is I have the tools to deal with emotions and situations that come up and to forgive myself or others as required.

I am on my healing journey and I am strong enough to dig into the messy, dirty, nasty feelings of the past and let them go. I am not the person I described with all the labels I used for myself.

I am Tammy Jane Cadue. I am on my healing journey. I am a positive life force here to heal myself and to help others on their healing journey.

Depression Tried To Rear It's Ugly Head

Nov 5th, 2019

I have been working on my feelings involving being a mom and having a child who has a mental illness. There are plenty of feelings of inadequacy and guilt tied up with raising my children. I was raising two kids on my own. I chose men who didn't want the responsibility. Their father didn't want involvement on any significant level and their stepfather was the same.

My son is currently very ill. I see him as being depressed and just spinning his wheels not knowing which way to go or how to move on from the point. He does not want any help.

After recently speaking with him, and realizing how sick he may be, I felt my mood and demeanor lowering. I meditated, I gave myself Reiki and I thought about those feelings that I had experiencing. I felt like I was teetering at the tip of a downward spiral from the feelings of guilt and sadness that my son's life has become such a struggle.

I spoke with my therapist and I talked about it and that helped. I cried and released and came to realize that I did the best that I possibly could at that time in my life. But what really shifted things for me is when one of my best friends who is a fellow Reiki Master said to me, "Tammy, ask us for Reiki to help you," The "us" she was talking about is a group of Reiki practitioners that we hang out with and who are friends that have created an online group to keep in contact with each other and to support one another. She was right! Why hadn't I reached out and asked my friends to send me Reiki? I went into our online group and asked that people send me Reiki to help me get through the feelings I was feeling.

It worked. No word of a lie when I tell you that I felt better within an hour of that request. My feelings didn't magically go away, but a sense of healing took hold of me and I felt more able to allow my feelings to be and to begin to let go of those feelings that have been buried inside me for so long.

This experience reinforced to me the power of sending distance Reiki to others. It reinforced to me that the combination of self - reiki, distance reiki, therapy and meditation all helped me avoid going into a depressive episode. I teetered at the top of that downword spiral into the abyss of depression and managed to catch my balance as oppose to fall into the abyss.

This incident also reinforces why I became a Reiki Practitioner and Teacher. Reiki is a powerful tool that helps one clear those things - whether it is physical, mental or emotional sickness - that no longer serve us.

More On My Healing Journey

October 29th, 2019

have been very fortunate in my life to have had a great psychotherapist. He is an analyst and during the year and a half that I was recovering from some major triggers that happened in my workplace I saw him and spoke to him non - stop. I also decided to start having Reiki sessions with a friend who had just become a Reiki practitioner. She would see me after a session with my psychotherapist and those Reiki sessions really helped clear a lot of negativity that was coming out during my therapy.

Luckily, by this point in time, I was fairly self - aware and knew I needed to really dive in to my childhood and look at the feelings surrounding sexual abuse and other traumas that had created the triggers in my life that had recently stopped me in my tracks and left me feeling like a vulnerable five year old who had just lost everything in her world.

The tools I used and the work I had put into looking at all the pain and feelings that had remained buried within me was really hard and challenging at times. I cried - a lot. I discovered resentments about things that I didn't even know I had. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. But let me tell you the upside of looking at those things that were holding me back. I discovered that as I relived some of these horrible feelings, I was able to let them go and start healing from the feelings that I had buried far from my conscious mind. I dug them out, I mourned these events and the feelings attached to them, and I started my healing journey.

Looking Back on My Healing Journey

October 25th, 2019

When I look back over my life and look at how my healing journey started and how it has progressed up until this point in time there are a few things that I note about the different times in my life.

There were the years that I was in denial and unaware and was just living my life as the woman I had grown up to be and as each of my childhood traumas had shaped me to be. I did not know that this is who and where I was as I was not yet ready to deal with my shadow self.

It seems that I lived from trigger to trigger. From decade to decade. Each decade I would do some of the work on myself. I would definitely grow. I would peel back some more layers of that wall; but, I wasn't going back and dealing with the actual emotions surrounding those initial traumas and that is what would keep resurfacing.

The thing with this approach is that my resiliency became less with each triggering event until my resiliency completely disappeared and I had a major trigger in my mid forties....a life altering event that kept me home for a year and a half. This was one of the best things that ever happened to me in my life. I wasn't seeing the signs that I needed to take better care of myself so the universe/creator/my guides stepped in and made sure I was going to stop everything to look after my past trauma so I could really and truly start my healing journey.

More coming in my next post! Stay tuned!!


Nooka Noodin Kwe.

Welcome to Tammy Talk's

October 23, 2019

Welcome to my new online blog. My colonial name is Tammy Cadue and my spirit name is Nooka Noodin Kwe which means Gentle Wind Woman. I was gifted this name by ZeeWaa Mushkode Bezeki Kwe (Brown Buffalo Woman), Mi'KMak Grandmother and channeler of the Ancestors and Sensei Pamela Maguiresmith.

I am a Reiki Master Practitioner in the Usui Holy Fire III Reiki system and I am a 1st & 2nd Degree Reiki Practitioner in Tachiagima Reiki system. I have also received my credentials as a Certified Aromatherapy Health Practitioner as a Clinical Aromatherapist. I have many tools in my healing bundle to help my clients on the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual levels of their lives.

I hope to share many things with you, the reader, for many reasons. My ultimate goal is to provide inspiration to anyone who is starting their own healing journey and for those of you who are on your healing journey to continue with your personal evolution and live the purpose you were meant to live during this lifetime on earth.

I will also discuss my own journey and the tools that I am using both for myself and for others that have been effective in helping with the release of any old emotions and situations that no longer serve me and that have helped in my personal evolution to who I am now and towards living my life's purpose.

I hope that you will join me as I blog about the never ending adventure on this healing journey of mine.